Princess in Love by Julianne MacLean

I picked up “princess in love” at the local library because it was in the romance section and it had a princess on the cover. I’ve been reading Game of Thrones for a whole year and I just needed a quickie to get it out of my system.

I don’t think I need to defend romance novels here. Romance novels are the workhorse of the publishing industry. Romance novels are, from a pure numbers standpoint, porn for women. Every trade-in bookstore eventually devolves into a used romance novel store, and I think those business owners are fine with that.

There are good romance novels out there. This is not one of them. Sure there is a busty princess on the cover, but that is as steamy as this gets.

I normally describe the plot somewhere in the first three paragraphs. I can’t really say there is a plot. I mean, stuff happens, but I think it takes more than that to make a plot. Rose and Leopold have some kind of previous romance. Maybe that was described in the previous book? Well, anyway, Leopold can’t let it go and decides to keep on messing with Rose’s head even though she has a chance at a happy healthy relationship with the future king of Austria. When Rose realizes how manipulative Leopold is, she goes ahead and marries the Austrian. When the Austrian dies, Rose runs back to Leopold because she wasn’t doing anything else I guess.

There is only one instance of sex in the whole book. Everyone had all of their clothes on.

I am going to have a hard time giving this book a fair shake because I did not enjoy it. Sure it was easy to read and I finished the book, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like I wasted my time.

The characterizations are poor. Leopold goes from a spoiled heir indifferent about his father’s political beliefs into a raging emotional maniac. He ignores everyone around him until the crucial moment when he gets in everyone’s business. I don’t know what to expect from him. He is not one person with a rational train of thought and motivations. That is more than I can say about Rose, though. Rose doesn’t have a personality at all, not even an inconsistent one. Stuff just happens to her.

The best character was Leopold’s Mother. She had about two lines and Leopold thought of her three times. Each of these vignettes mentioned that she liked flowers. That’s one thing I can hang my hat on for crying out loud.

Don’t expect any descriptions of scenery, clothing, pomp, or circumstance. I mean, its not like it’s a historical fiction about a royalty or anything.

The last thing that bothered me about this novel was the pacing. It runs uncomfortably hot and stiff for 2/3rds of the book. When something mildly interesting happens to the Austrian prince, the book wraps up like a cafeteria burrito.  Its like the author hit her page limit or something.  Seriously.  The Austrian prince drama occurs, then, fast forward 10 years to when Rose as a child and a dead husband and she is ready to see Leopold again. That’s the last chapter of the book.

Don’t read this book. It won’t deliver.

Honeymoon by James Patterson

I have no idea why this novel is called Honeymoon. There wasn't even a honeymoon in the story. I guess after you become the most prolific author in the world, titles don't mean so much.

The story is about the stunningly beautiful brunette Nora who happens to kill the men in her life for money. She raises a few red flags when she transfers a huge sum of money from her most recently dead beaus account into her own, and an investigation begins. An insurance agent named John O'Hara poses as an insurance salesman who steps into her life and makes the near fatal mistake of sleeping with her. They go through a small period of cat and mouse and eventually justice is served.

There is a B story about a briefcase and some offshore accounts. It was supposed to tie the story together and I think may have tried to make some sweeping commentary on american politics, but it was too little too late. You couldn't add weight to this book even if you put an anvil on it.

This book is complicated, recommendation-wise. Although I can't say that I recommend this book, I could definitely use this opportunity to recommend James Patterson novels in general, especially this one (know what I mean?). It is an extremely fast addicting read. I can't say I'm better for it. The chapters are short, the women are beautiful. The plot is sparse, as if it just a backdrop for the antics of the glossy magazine characters. Its complicated, but you can't say the same about the story

You've Been Warned by James Patterson and Howard Roughan

This book has two stars on amazon. I didn't think it was so bad. I mean, it isn't something I would read again but it was quick and served its purpose as a one-chapter-before-bed novel. Well, it wasn't so great at that because I have to admit that I had a nightmare over it once. Just once though. 

This book is a first person point of view about a young nanny/photographer in New York City. (It seems everyone is a something-slash-something in New York City, but thats neither here nor there). She starts having peculiar things happen to her which makes the audience thinks she is crazy, but she accepts them in a dreamlike way. The peculiar things are very crazyperson-like like hearing music in her head or seeing cockroaches on her skin but it turns out she is in hell. You would think hell is slightly scarier than a bad trip, but no, it turns out that the big reveal is that she is in full-on serious hell. I know. I KNOW.

The second kick in the pants is why she is in hell. It turns out that she is in hell for sleeping with a married man, not taking part in the murders that lie central to the story. At the end of the story you get the same feeling you got when it turned out that the book your parents gave you in middle school had a lesson.

About half way through I felt as though the story was just a nice exposition on what it might feel like to be a crazy person. In that way the book excelled. I understood some of her actions as strange as they might have looked from a street observer.

It probably got two stars because it felt like a particularly bad Sunday school lesson by the final chapter. Be even the most innocent of mistresses and you'll end up in hell. Even if you are in love, even if your a photographer. You will end up in the helliest hell you've ever helled. Its like when you are watching a cooking documentary and it turned out it was sponsored by PETA. It turned out that the moral of this book was Jesus.

Well played James Patterson.

Chicken Soup for the Soul: Runners

I'm glad I read Born to Run already, because if this was the first running book I'd read I would quit altogether. Maybe I'd quit running too. This book wasn't inspirational. I know that people can write more inspirational stories about running, every issue of Runner's World Magazine has something honestly inspirational in it.


Going into this you know that its going to be hit or miss. There are 31 stories, 31 individual contributors, and at least one of them is going to just downright suck. It just wish there was at least one great one.

Some of the short stories were memorable. One was about this guy that started running because he started seeing an obese neighbor running past his house twice every single day. He starts running because he is fat-shamed into thinking he is less fit than an obese person. After his marathon, he talks to her and finds that she had just been running to Mcdonalds to read the paper every morning. That one made me laugh out loud. Then there was this other one about a girl that proclaims that she used to be fat and unhappy. Now that she runs every single day and spends hours at the gym and never eats, she, at 18 years old, is the happiest she has ever been. I laughed out loud at that one too.

It just didn't feel like they dug very deep. Sure runners are supposed to be healthier, thinner, happier, more beautiful people that statistically will make more money in thier lives, but geez, it seemed like the only thing they ever talked about was how thin and happy they were.

Over-the-top Ultramarathoner Dean Karnazes' story was billed to be the biggest draw. He is on the cover and the same photo is used inbetween sections. That's a dozen instances of Dean Karnazes. His story wasn't particularly moving is the thing. His story was about how his daughter wanted to do a street race with him and showed a particular amount of courage by pushing through the pain. His contribution wasn't about him, it was about his daughter. I understand how that could be one of the most memorable moments of his life, but it just wasn't particularly moving since the whole world doesn't idolize his daughter. We wanted to read about Dean Karnazes for goodness sake. I wanted to know why he ran that first time, why he ever ran a single mile over a marathon, and why he chose this to be his whole life, his lasting contribution. Certainly it wasn't so once he was known the world over for running, he can see his daughter show a precocious amount of grit on race day. Sure its nice to have a story by Dean Karnazes in this book, but I don't know if his contribution was worth a cover.

Then there were the cancer survivor stories. Cancer survivor stories are intrinsically motivational. No one can fathom just how painful that brush with mortality is until it actually happens. Too bad that the tales of cancer survival played out like lifetime original movies. Most of the stories were also written by friends of cancer survivors, which had almost no depth at all. It makes me wonder if there was a stack of cancer survivor stories that they rejected because they were too real.

The triathlon stories were neither here nor there. And they were all the same. There I said it.

Would I recommend this book? Hell no. Take your $11.99 and go buy Born to Run.

The Postcard Killers by James Patterson and Liza Marklund

I picked this book at a mom and pop trade-in paperback store. These types of stores are endlessly fascinating for me and even though I wasn't itching for a read, I picked this one up for 4 dollars.

The story centers on four characters: two killers, a brash NYPD detective abroad, and an unwillingly involved hot-to-trot journalist. The story takes place mostly in Sweden, despite the novel having an Eiffel tower on the cover.  The killers were a couple of sexually charged young adults named Syliva and Mac who bewitch other young couples into date shenanigans abroad only to leave their throats cut and bodies gruesomely posed. The killers then send a postcard to a local newspaper for press.

The NYPD detective has a hat in the ring because his own daughter was one of the victims. He flounces around all emotionally charged and making brash stupid decisions. I can tell by the end of the book that we are supposed to see him as a Captain Kirk figure, the type where they get their strength from their humanness, but I just saw him as an incredibly unethical police officer working WAY WAY out of his jurisdiction. The characterization felt forced because his personality was not consistent. The book decided that he was emotionally unattached and terrible with intimacy about 3/4ths the way through the book. He sounded incredibly emotionally open before this point.

The lady journalist, whats her name? Dessie? I think the Swedish Bestselling co-author got a chance to shine with this one, but it was really too bad that Dessie was incredibly boring. Dessie spent the whole book regretting stuff and worrying. She did nothing to drive the plot forward. She was the ambassador to Sweden, translating for the Detective, connecting him to all the right people, and eventually having sex with him when he needed to crash for the night. But I got to learn some neat little Swedish tidbits through Dessie, like about local texture of the Swedish Countryside and the international fanfare caused by the Arctic circle Ikea. (as a sidenote, it complete cracked me up that the Ikea was a central part of this book about Sweden. Its like if we went to France and everyone is eating french fries and wearing berets.)

The fun part of the novel was trying to figure out what the motive of the murders were. The book shined when we got into Syliva and Mac's back story.  The tension pacing of the book was a little thrown off because of it, but I think I understand what they were going for. You see, when they released Syliva and Mac from police interrogation because they were ruled out of the case, the story was really picking up and it was terrifying that the real killers were being set free. Then the detective drops everything and flies back home to relax with his buddies in the United States. He had to do it because Syliva and Mac were from the LA area and he needed some hometown investigation. It felt like he ducked out of harms way and took a vacation. Sure, the book still remained interesting because we learned the entire UCLA backstory at that point, but still, the pacing was chaotic. 
A key point in the novel is when the newspaper company tries to draw the killers out by offering money for an interview. The key was to entrap them into revealing thier identies so they can be arrested. Syliva and Mac do not take them up on that offer. Then they somehow make a "mistake" in their crime pattern which leads to their identities being revealed. In the book it is implied that the paper caused the break up in crime pattern, but I don't get it. Sounds like they didn't take the bait to me.

So I understand the reviews for this book were bad. I didn't think it was that terrible. It was quite entertaining I thought. All I expected was a frothy read to pass my time in incredibly short bursts. I packed this baby in my massive purse and got it read in 3 days. Perhaps all the reviewers did not like how the killers were revealed right off the bat?

Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer

I just read Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer. The book chronicles the now infamous Chris McCandless, the young man that died during a romantic extended camping trip in the Alaskan wilderness in 1992.  His life has been much considered as there have been numerous essays about his life and motivations.

Here is the plot, briefly. Chris graduates Emory college with honors and defies his parents by not continuing onto Law School.  He instead decides to travel across the United States, taking on the moniker Alex Supertramp. His transition to independence from society is a slow one, as he spends a few years taking on odd jobs under the radar and finding shelter when it comes. His ideals (and ego) are fueled by the fictional loners penned by Jack London and Henry David Thoreau. He eventually hitchhikes up to Alaska to live off the wilderness with embarrassing low provisions. He dies after an impressive 112 days.

The book is written so carefully, so respectfully. The author frequently mentions other writers and outdoorsman who bash McCandless’s inexperience and arrogance who imply that such a lack of respect for nature deserves death. Krakauer goes completely the other way asking us to remember what it was like to be young and idealistic, when we were ready to die for our beliefs. Well, this young man did.

Chris dislikes his parents. The reasoning is abstract and I’m sure the actual relationship is more complicated than the book could even describe. What is for sure is that Chris didn’t have a solid reason to not like his parents. He grew up privileged with loving parents who gave him everything he ever needed and encouraged positive behaviors and life paths. It would be nice if there were a cut and dry reason for Chris to set out on his own, but there wasn’t. If it were me and I had the inkling to do a life adventure like that, I just wouldn’t be able to take myself seriously. That is definitely something Chris could do, and that was take himself seriously.

It is sad that he died. What makes it worse is that he was ready to go back into society with renewed vigor when he realized that he couldn’t. He planned out this romantic trip because he had a problem with his world view that made relationships unbearable. He planned a trip so he could get away from it all for while. And it worked. That’s the crazy part. It worked.  He felt more grateful for the things he had, he missed his family, and he was ready to enjoy being a productive member of society.

My only qualm with the book is that the author spends a little too much time talking about other explorers that met the same fate. He takes it too far  when the author includes his own climbing adventure to the list of other great blunders. That unnecessary portion made the exactly 200 page book a little irksome, like he was rushing to meet his page quota.  It doesn’t help that the few lines of text that the author managed to scrape up from McCandless’s post cards and diaries are repeated multiple times in the book, sometimes to exhaustion. I realize this was necessary to ground the timeline in a circular plot, but after reading the same post card for the 4^th time, it felt like just poor writing.

I definitely recommend this book. In a world where life is so cut and dry, where actions and consequences rule our every decision and foresight trumps every plan, it is amazing to read about someone who rejects the worldview of the ever shrinking room. Sure he dies. I bet that gives us the affirmation we need to stay trapped in our comfort zone. 

Summer Haitus

Dear Loyal Readers,

Like the school children and teachers that have laid the foundation of book reviews, voracious reviews will take a summer haitus.

Happy summer reading!

Sincerely,

MZ