The Princess Bride By Diane Palmer

This book is misleading. When I picked up this book, I made two assumptions. The first was the unlikely chance that this was the book version of the popular movie staring Indigo Montoya.  This is the assumption that all the Barnes and Nobles reviewers had, giving this book a lofty 4 stars. The second assumption was that the book was about a princess. That is also incorrect. 

I also felt mislead by the first sentence

“Tiffany saw him in the distance, riding the big black stallion that already killed one man”

The book was also notably not about the horse, who was never mentioned again.  The book cover was misleading in a less nefarious way. The main character has long black hair, not short, and wore a prim white suit to her wedding, not a dress.

The book WAS, however, about a virgin whose husband married her just to get into her pants.  The ex girlfriend gets in the way a bit.  The male lead was named King, which might explain the title of this book.

Before we really get started picking this book apart, let me say that I can not recommend this book. The story lacks in every way.  It fails in  the juicy romance novel criteria with its lack of juicy sex, romantic love, dream weddings, and unattainable glamour. It also fails in the more expected traditional metrics with its lack of character development, scene description, and story arc.

Most of the drama comes after the sex. After he gets what he wants, they find that they don’t know eachother and feel uncomfortable talking to one another. It is the worst marriage I’ve ever read about. By the time I get to the final stretch in the last few pages, I realize how ridiculously addicted to drama these two characters are, with all their problems stemming from their strange decisions.

The sex itself was vague and unsatisfying. There was only one instance of penetrative sex in the whole book, and it was the awkward breaking of ones virginity. This single instance of sex led to pregnancy. All of the sexual tension brought on in the book had a lot to do with breast manipulation, which I found stiff, and just plain not sexy.

There was a wedding involved, but it didn’t take on the satisfying characteristics that you normally get out of romance novels. It was like a lame wedding I could put together last minute, not the fantasy feeding dream that  we read about to have in our lives when we can never attain them.

The most glamorous part of the book was their trip to Jamaica. They were rich enough to afford two impromptu return tickets home after one day. That is definitely a luxury I could not afford. When I go on vacation, I have to stick to my itinerary. I am that poor.

The lack of character development was disappointing, but not distracting. I could have known more about tiffany’s motivations, and what part of her selfish pathos might have to do with her dead mother. They mentioned something about King’s past in the beginning, something about how his mother brutally took advantage of or killed his father to explain why he wanted to remain a lifelong bachelor. Unfortunately, this potentially interesting character tidbit was not addressed again when he decided that he actually did want to get married. If I met a person like that in real life, I would be completely put off by how much introspection said person lacks. Sure, the book isn’t about King and his pathos, but helping explain his worldview is what makes me care about what happens to him.

The story arc disappointed me because they decided to bring up huge drama in the last 3 pages. Maybe it wasn’t that huge to the author, but rather just a last string to tie up, but it felt like they dropped a bomb and decided not to explore it. The book ended abruptly after a major life decision was made, and it got all tied up in a neat little bow.

I usually feel like reading is the act of getting to know someone you never met. While I can’t assume that the author bared her soul with this work, I can say that I feel like I met her. She told me a story. I explored the depths of her mind and found not much to speak of. Maybe that is too harsh. Maybe she just didn’t do a very good job.